What it feels like.
3/2/13
4:11 am
Email:
I said I would never contact you again, and I have honored that statement up until this moment. I know you don’t like Ian, but he was the one to prompt me to send this message. I am in a world of hell because of women who are trying to use me and abuse me. I can’t even sleep right now. I know that my sexual drive was the nail in the coffin of our relationship, but you are my true love. I don’t view sex the same way anymore. I have crazy people in my life and I don’t like that. Ian convinced me to write you one last time because he saw the damage other women were doing to me. This is not a letter of self-pity. I am blessed in many ways. However….. I still want you. Your cell number changed, and I suspect it has to do with you being in a relationship. If so, I am happy for you. However……. I have to ask for your hand in love one more time. I have to try one more time. I have seen what there is to be had out in this world, and I can’t possibly love any of those women. I just love you.
There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats.
—Pablo Picasso (via lovetheghost)
11/11/11
Evening
Stoned Journal Notes
Bright blessed day.
Dark sacred night.
This reminds me of last winter. The way you said my name with the ominous weight placed at the end, indicating you knew that you were about to tell me something serious. Immediately I felt dark and small, like a soul suspended in the universe- alone. I felt like I could only feel the farthest edges of my heart, fluttering. The exact opposite of how one feels when they’ve met someone who brings them to life.
***
11/?/11
(The first night he didn’t come home. I was scared to be alone.)
Journal Notes
I want a man who wants to be beside me every night, and make sure I’m safe and protected.
I want a man who would never choose to sleep at a friend’s house when he knows I’m home alone.
I want a partner in all areas.
I want a best friend.
I want absolute trust.
I want dependability.
I want us to make each other feel like we’re the most special.
I want affection and nurturing.
I want us to support each other.
I want us to inspire each other.
I want us to encourage each other.
I want vulnerability.
I want us to be each other’s one and only.
12/15/12
12:20 am
Email:
It was difficult for me to hear your apology, but I recognize that it was probably difficult for you to leave me that message and acknowledge the things you did that hurt me and our relationship. I accept your apology. I truly believe that the person I fell in love with would not have done those things to me. I understand that you’ve been struggling with mental illness for a long time. All I want is for us both to heal. I’ve been working to move forward in a positive way.I only ask that you keep your word and don’t contact me again. It’s not healthy for us to be in each other’s lives.As for forgetting about you, you don’t have to worry about that. I never will. You were my best friend for a long time. A person never forgets a best friend.
I will keep only the most beautiful pieces of you in my heart.
Please take care of yourself.
I love you.
12/13/12
10:52 am
Voice mail:
Hi K this is S. Believe it or not I’ll promise you this is the last time I call you. I’m going to try to make this brief because I have a lot of content to fit into one voice mail. After recent events I started going to AA with my parents and the step I thought I needed to work on immediately was the amends and apologies. I’m calling to apologize to you for many things. I apologize to you for M. I apologize to you for ripping your heart in two. I apologize to you for that time period where you were abstinent and my manic sexuality caused me to cheat on you. I apologize for lying to you. I apologize for being a raging alcoholic and a nutcase. I apologize for ruining what was the most beautiful thing I ever had in my life. I sincerely apologize to you for all of this. And I love you so much. And my biggest fear is that you’ll someday forget about me because I’ll never forget about you. I was the one who fucked this up, not you. And I’m just really sorry. I gotta cut it off because I know the voice mail will cut me off. But I’m sorry. I will leave you alone. I know it’s wrong to harass you. And that’s another thing I apologize for- harassing you after you stopped contacting me. I apologize. Okay so, be well and I love you. My dear K, my crab. I love you. Bye.
12/8/12
9:46 am
Voice mail:
Hey. I know you don’t return my calls for a very obvious reason, but I’m calling for a strictly logistical purpose right now. I had a little incident last night where somebody slammed my head into a piece of pavement and I need to cover up the wounds before work on Monday because I’m doing really well at this job and I don’t want this to ruin that and you know about this kind of stuff. I just need to know what the hell to do. I can’t walk in there looking like this. I don’t know, you don’t have to call me back, if you don’t I am just going to seek advice elsewhere. But I’m just trying to find a way to hide this mess. Anyway, I hope your life is going well- mine was until last night. Alright, adios. I love you.
12/3/12
8:55 pm
Voice mail:
Hi it’s…(long pause, sigh) it’s me calling. I’m calling because I love you and I want to tell you that I love and that’s it. I just love you. I love you so much. I don’t expect you to answer back, ya know? You can feel free to at any time tell me to stop contacting you. I think I even said that I would stop contacting you at some point. But like… I just can’t, or I can, but you have to let me know. I love you. I love you. And that’s the only reason I’m calling you. I’m calling you to tell you that I love you and that’s it. I hope everything is going well with you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Alright, alright bye.
11/25/12
10:06 pm
Text Message:
I love you. Your lack of response makes me understand we have no chance…but don’t cut me out if you move on with another. I have so many funny stories for you.
11/21/12
1:43 am
Voice mail:
Hey there, it’s your little spider calling. Um, I was just listening to this song called Lullaby by Billy Joel and it’s a song that I put on our mix for North Carolina because I really liked it and it reminded me of you and there’s a part in the song where musically speaking he shifts from a major key to a minor key and the shift in that song from the major key to the minor key made me think of you because it made me think I should not stop trying to contact you and get back in touch with you- because I still am in love with you. And you can at any time tell me to stop, but I’ll still keep trying occasionally because there’s something about listening to that song and listening to that tonal shift from the major key to the minor key that made me think this way. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well. You won’t hear from me for a while. I’ll lay off. Maybe I’ll give you a call in two months or something. Alright, adios.
He’s called twice since then.
I finally threw away the mugs that he haunted.
It kind of just felt like taking out the trash.
The Decemberists, The Hazards of Love 4 (The Drowned)
Margaret arrayed the rocks around the hull before it was sinking,
A million stones, a million bones, a million holes within the chinking.
And painting rings around your eyes these peppered holes so filled with crying.
A whisper weighed upon the tattered down where you and I were lying.
Tell me now, tell me this, A forest’s son, a river’s daughter,
A willow on the willow wisp, our ghosts will wander all of the water.
So let’s be married here today these rushing waves to bare our witness,
And we will lye like river stones rolling only where it takes us.
But I pulled you and I called you here,
And I caught you and I brought you here
These hazards of love, never more will trouble us.
Oh Margaret the lapping waves are licking quietly at our ankles
another bow another breath this brilliant chill’s come for the shackle.
With this long last rush of air we speak our vows and sorry whispers,
when the waves came crashing down, he closed his eyes and softly kissed her.
But I pulled you and I called you here,
And I caught you and I brought you here
These hazards of love, never more will trouble us.
And these hazards of love, never more will trouble us.
11/18/2012
10:08 pm
Text Message:
I am listening to the last track of Hazards of Love, where they commit romantic suicide. You wanted to do that. I am not glad to be alive, but this makes me think of you.
11/18/2012
7:06 pm
Voice mail:
Hey unless you tell me deliberately not to, you know, say this: I love you, I love you. That’s it. Bye.
